Things I wish I had known then (or a list that would have saved me millions of tissues and tears)
1) Just because she brightens your day, life, year doesn’t mean you’re in love with her. You don’t need to label everything right away. Just because you realize you want to kiss girls doesn’t mean you need to have a meltdown. You’ll figure it out, I promise.
2) Once you figure it out, be careful who you tell. Even though you like to have all the boxes sorted and labelled inside your head, be careful who share it with. No, actually, that’s the mistake I made. Don’t be afraid of sharing. Screw the people who don’t accept you. Never apologize for sharing a part of yourself. (I’m still working on this, obviously)
3) Don’t allow everyone to notice how poorly you treat yourself. Act like you’re the shit. Pretend you don’t feel like you’re shit. The more you exude confidence, the more you’ll start believing in yourself. It gets better. Don’t allow yourself to feel inferior to them. You are not below anyone.
4) Just because boys don’t talk to you as much as your friend doesn’t mean you’re ugly. Just because he told you to lose some weight doesn’t mean you have to. Don’t starve yourself just to feed the wishes of insignificant people. Look in the mirror but don’t search for blemishes, instead admire the huge smile and the way your eyes glisten and the wrinkles around your mouth and the freckles splattered on your cheeks. You are beautiful.
5) Accept compliments. Learn to accept them. Don’t be sarcastic. Don’t be self-deprecating. Accept it. Then start believing it.
6) Your best friend will get better grades then you, I’m sorry. Your parents will compare the two of you, I’m sorry. You’ll start to feel inferior, in fact this will be your downward slope to the depths of self-deprecation that even the sharks tend to avoid. She is not better than you. You are in no way stupid, lesser, worse, awful. You are brilliant. Don’t compare yourself to others because you’ll always be disappointed. Not because they’re better than you, but because you have this awful habit of ignoring your strengths and exaggerating your flaws.
7) Everyone will not abandon you. Yes, I know, some will. But if you keep waking yourself up at night from nightmares of all of them dying, it’s bound to be a brutal existence. You can’t control the future. Lie to yourself. Tell yourself it will all be okay. Then start believing it.
8) Cut out the things that make you unhappy. Quit the activities that make you cry into your pillow at three am. They are not worth it. Put distance between the people that do the same. They are not worth it. Never apologize for taking care of yourself.
9) When it gets to the point one night when you have this urge, this powerful urge to die, don’t lock yourself in your room or in your head. Go to your little brother’s room, get under his blankets, hug him and remember why you need to keep going.
10) You can probably, most definitely do the thing you’re convincing yourself you can’t do. Every time you thought you couldn’t do something, every time you convinced yourself that it was all too much, you proved yourself wrong. Keep fighting. The sun will come out before you know it.
even poison has a way of teaching you a lesson before it infiltrates your veins
Thank you for this <3